55 posts tagged “funny”

 

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Nissan in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________ _ _____________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

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SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

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SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

TWO randy shop workers sneaked in to a work bathroom for sex but found themselves locked together when the woman suffered a cramp.

Naked Italian Salvatore Mazzi, 37, and his companion Angelina Marcelo, 26, were found by her enraged husband, who had been waiting for her to finish her shift.

Medics freed the pair at the clothes shop in Bergamo, Italy, reports London's The Sun.

Salvatore, a security guard, was kicked out by his wife and sacked for having sex during work.

His young woman friend Ms Marcelo was also dumped by her man, but managed to keep her job after her boss decided she had already finished her shift when she was caught.

Link

A WOMAN has been slapped with an Antisocial Behaviour Order after magistrates were forced to sit through tapes of her loud love-making sessions.

Caroline Cartwright, 47, was also fined £515 after being found guilty of breaching a noise abatement notice served on her after 25 complaints to police about her marathon sex romps with husband Steve.

He escaped prosecution because he was less noisy than his more enthusiastic wife.

Their sessions were so loud that one partially-deaf neighbour of the English couple told the court she hadn't had a decent night's sleep in two years, The Sun reports.

Environmental Health placed recording equipment in the flat next door to the couple’s house in Washington, Tyne and Wear in Sunderland.

The Cartwrights’ neighbour, Rachel O’Connor pressed a button on the machine every time she was disturbed by noise from next door.

She said: “I heard sounds of a sexual nature, they were really loud, and there was a lot of moaning and groaning and screaming as if in pain.

“It wasn’t just the woman, it came from both parties.”

Ms O’Connor told the court that when she first moved in around November 2007, the noise started at midnight and lasted until 3am.

Now, she said, the noise started at about 6.30am and lasted until 9am.

Environmental Health officer Pamela Spark, told the court she had heard 23 recordings of the couple having sex.

She said: “There was an excessive screaming female voice on the recordings.

"I felt that the noise was a clear breach of the abatement notice at that level.”

Another neighbour, partially-deaf Margery Ball, said she had not had a decent night’s sleep in two years because of the Cartwrights.

The tongue of the chief coffee taster for a worldwide chain of coffee shops has been insured for £10m ($13.95m).

Gennaro Pelliccia personally tastes a sample of each batch of raw coffee beans at its London plant before they are roasted and shipped to its stores.

"My 18 years of experience enable me to distinguish between thousands of flavours," he says.

Costa Coffee, which sells 108 million cups of coffee worldwide each year, aims to double its number of outlets.

The insurance policy was taken out with Lloyds of London.

"The taste buds of a Master of Coffee are as important as the vocal cords of a singer or the legs of a top model, and this is one of the biggest single insurance policies taken out for one person," said a spokesman for Lloyd's broker Glencairn Limited, which arranged the insurance cover.

"In my profession my taste buds and sensory skills are crucial... and allow me to distinguish any defects," said Mr Pelliccia.

Another day, another shoplifter hitting a Florida Wal-Mart, this time in Pompano Beach.

Police have released surveillance tape of the unidentified assailant grabbing a $9 tube of foot cream,  hiding it somewhere on his body and then brandishing a pen knife at a store security guard.

When the guard tried to stop him, the callused thief got into a "fighting stance" and threatened to cut him. If you see a suspicious guy complaining about his tootsies, please call authorities.

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.

2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.

3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.

4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one Around.

5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with others.

 
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off If the women leaves them.

 
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their Mistakes and still try their luck with others.

***************
 
Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
 

2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive Clothes.

 
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something To wear.

 
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress Beautifully.

 
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".

 
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still Expect you to compliment them.

 
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't Believe you

A different Love letter and a beautiful reply to it.

A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his classmate.

My Dearest Reshma,

Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options

(A) 10 marks,
(b) 5marks and
(c) 3 marks.

**********

1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because:

(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... am I doing it?

**********

2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me
because:

(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile

**********

3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you
stopped singing because:

(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song

**********

4) When you were showing your childhood photo, when I asked for it, you
hide it because:

(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know

**********

5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you
and you took only my friend's because:

(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know

**********

6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...

(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded

**********

7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because:

(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them

**********

8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a
rose on your head because:

(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose

**********

9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at 6:00
A.M because:

(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual.

**********

If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay in
expressing it.

If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and
it's getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less than 30, you are in
confusion whether to love me or not.

Eagerly awaiting your reply..

Love, Aakash

*********************

Reshma's reply letter was also in Q/A format........

Aakash,

Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.

**********

1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the
class, sees them.

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

2) If a girl laughs and looks anyone, is it love?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she
stop singing or not?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo.

You poked your nose inside..... right ?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you understand yet?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali) at the bus stand?

(a)Yes (b) No

**********

7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is
it true ?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I
come daily to Temple. Do you know ?

(a) Yes (b) No

If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not loving
you. If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning of Love.

Hope everything is clear to you.

This Birthday Certificate can be personalized, easy for you to generate, and completely free to print in high resolution.

And yes, if you cannot tell I'm bored and googling nothing-ness.

[ Birthday Certificate ]