9 posts tagged “email”

I've been complaining a bit too much and perhaps this came into my mailbox for a reason:

ATT00010

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Nissan in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________ _ _____________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Because I am procrastinating:

§      If laid out in a straight line, the average adult’s circulatory system would be long enough to circle the Earth two and a half times

§      Scientists have found chocolate has chemicals that helps counteract depression

§      Children born in May are on average, 200grams heavier at birth than children born any other month

§      Plain vanilla is the favourite flavor of ice-cream , making 29% of all sales

§      A camel can shut its nostrils during a desert storm – if only I can shut mine on the train

§      Facial hair is the fastest growing hair on the body

§      A new-born croc is three times the size of the egg it hatched from

§      It takes a week to make Jelly Beans

§      Clams have a row of eyes around their shells

§      Owls are reportedly the only birds that can see the colour blue

§      The left lung is smaller than the right, allowing room for your heart

§      Green tea has 50% more vitamin C than black tea

§      80% of all rose species in the world come from Asia

§      A large cumulonimbus cloud can hold enough water for 500,000 baths

§      A mysophobic person has an intense fear of infection

§      A building in which silence is enforced, like a library, is referred to as a silentium

§      Androphobia is the fear of men – yup, that’s why I am single. You got me.

§      A Naked Lady is a type of Orchid

§      The adder is Britain’s only poisonous snake

§      The Peanuts comic strip was originally called Li’l Folks

§      Four Weddings and a Funeral was the first British film to break 20 million pounds at the box office

§      The average bed is home to over 6 billion dust mites – my friends at night

§      The sound a camel makes is called nuzzling

§      Hard-boiled eggs will spin. Uncooked or soft-boiled eggs will not

§      24 carat gold is not pure gold. Pure gold is so soft that it can be molded by hand

§      Tequila is made from the juice of the agave

§      Nevada and Canberra are varieties of Cauliflower

§      Men sweat approximately 40% more than women – and that’s why boys smell

§      Dendrophobia is the fear of trees

§      Galileo died in 1642 – the year of Issac Newton’s birth

§      The bra was invented and patented by Mary Phelps Jacob

§      Laurel was born before Hardy

§      Gynophobia is the fear of women

§      The harmonica is the world’s best selling instrument

§      Botanically, true berries include the grape, tomato and eggplant, but not raspberries and blackberries

§      During menstruation, the sensitivity of a women’s middle finger is reduced – hit me

§      Seals sleep underwater and surface for air without waking

§      Tuna suffocate if they stop swimming

§      An igloo is so well insulated that you can sit inside without a coat when the outside temperature is -30degrees

§      The first VCR was made in 1956 and was the size of a piano

§      90% of all living things in the sea are made of plankton

§      Milk is heavier than cream

§      The US bought Florida from Spain

§      Four tablespoons of tomato sauce contains the nutritional equivalent of a medium sized tomato

§      Rabbits are born hairless and with closed eyes, hares are born covered in fur and with their eyes open

§      The average lifespan of a taste bud is 7 to 10 days

§      It takes about 150,000 litres of water to grow and prepare a typical dinner for eight people

§      Scarelett O’hara’s real first name was Katie

§      A person who is scoptophobic has an intense fear of being seen

§      The cashew nut belongs to the poison ivy family

§      The cheetah is the only cat that can’t retract its claws

§      If the stomach did not store food, people would eat every 20 minutes – I think mine has a hole in it

§      Brontology is the study of thunder

§      Fingernails grow faster on your favoured hand – note to self: must love hands equally

§      The average adult eyeball weighs under 30 grams

§      Podiatrists state that the average pair of feet travel about 190000 km in a lifetime – but with obesity….?

Dear Mr. Advice,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I
have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The
usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when
I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't
know them. I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I
usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again
and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get
a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out
with 'the girls'. When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her
blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped
them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a
hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is
this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop
where I bought it?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I broke a leg ice skating today.

Luckily it wasn't mine.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

To mark his 108th cap David Beckham has announced that he plans to write
a book about his life with England, his life with Victoria and his
clothes.

He is to call it: "Three Lions, the Witch and the Wardrobe".

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

We all hate pedophiles

But at least they drive slowly in a School Zone

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Valentines Tip:

Lesbians do not like to be given flowers.

They much prefer a nicely trimmed bush.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I was asked recently why I got married.

Mainly laziness, I cant be bothered finishing my own sentences.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

My poor grandmother has had alzheimers for several years now

I guess I should be grateful for the $20 I get for my birthday every
week...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A young man walking along the Pier notices an old man with his shoes
off, trouser legs rolled up, legs dangling in the sea and fishing with an
imaginary rod.

Puzzled the young man asks, " What are you doing?"

The old man replies, " Fishing for c*nts ".

"Sounds good. Can I join you?", replied the young man.

"Of course you can, pull up a pew son".

The young man sits down and casts an imaginary rod out, and then says,
"So how many c*nts have you caught today?"

The old man replies, " You're the third".

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

This global warming is rubbish, they are always saying turn your lights
off - make sure your lights are off - save the planet.

I followed the advice, I turned my lights off and ended up killing a
pedestrian.

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.

2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.

3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.

4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one Around.

5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their Luck with others.

 
6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off If the women leaves them.

 
7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their Mistakes and still try their luck with others.

***************
 
Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
 

2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive Clothes.

 
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something To wear.

 
4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress Beautifully.

 
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".

 
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still Expect you to compliment them.

 
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't Believe you

A different Love letter and a beautiful reply to it.

A teenage college guy sent a love letter (in Q/A format) to his classmate.

My Dearest Reshma,

Please answer the following questionnaire. For Options

(A) 10 marks,
(b) 5marks and
(c) 3 marks.

**********

1) Whenever you enter the class room, your sight always falls on me because:

(a) of love
(b) you couldn't control seeing me
(c) really ... am I doing it?

**********

2) Whenever professor cracks joke, you laugh and turn and look at me
because:

(a) you always like to see me smiling
(b) you are testing whether I like jokes
(c) you are attracted by my smile

**********

3) When you were singing in the class, I entered and immediately you
stopped singing because:

(a) you are so coy to sing before me
(b) my presence influenced you
(c) you feared that whether I'll like your song

**********

4) When you were showing your childhood photo, when I asked for it, you
hide it because:

(a) you felt ashamed
(b) you felt uneasy
(c) you don't know

**********

5) During trekking, myself and my friend gave you hand for lifting you
and you took only my friend's because:

(a) you enjoyed my disappointment
(b) you won't feel leaving my hand after grabbing
(c) you don't know

**********

6) You were waiting yesterday for bus and didn't get into your bus...

(a) you were waiting for me
(b) you were dreaming about me and didn't notice the bus
(c) that bus was crowded

**********

7) You introduced me to your parents when they came to college because:

(a) I am going to be your groom
(b) you just want to know what your parents think about me
(c) just you felt like introducing me to them

**********

8) I told that I like girls wearing roses. Next day, you came with a
rose on your head because:

(a) to fulfill my wish
(b) you like roses
(c) by chance you got a rose

**********

9) On that day, it was my birthday. you too came to temple early at 6:00
A.M because:

(a) you want to pray along with me
(b) you want to meet me before any one could meet on my birthday
(c) you want to wish me at temple because you are spiritual.

**********

If you have scored more than 40, then you are loving me. Don't delay in
expressing it.

If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and
it's getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less than 30, you are in
confusion whether to love me or not.

Eagerly awaiting your reply..

Love, Aakash

*********************

Reshma's reply letter was also in Q/A format........

Aakash,

Please answer the following Yes/No questionnaire.

**********

1) If somebody sits in the first row, normally people entering the
class, sees them.

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

2) If a girl laughs and looks anyone, is it love?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

3) While singing, if somebody forgets lines of the songs, will he/she
stop singing or not?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

4) I was showing to my friends (who are all girls) my childhood photo.

You poked your nose inside..... right ?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

5) I avoided to hold your hand during trekking. Couldn't you understand yet?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

6) Should I not wait for my best friend (Anjali) at the bus stand?

(a)Yes (b) No

**********

7) Shouldn't I introduce you to my parents as a friend?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

8) You have said you also like Lotus, cauliflower, banana's flower. Is
it true ?

(a) Yes (b) No

**********

9) Oh was that your birthday. That's why I could see you in temple. I
come daily to Temple. Do you know ?

(a) Yes (b) No

If you have answered "Yes" to any of the question, then I am not loving
you. If you have answered "No", then you don't know the meaning of Love.

Hope everything is clear to you.

Why it's formatted like this - I don't know! 

• Chewing on gum while cutting onions can help a person from stop producing tears. Try it next time you chop onions.

• Until babies are six months old, they can breathe and swallow at the same time. Indeed convenient!

• Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name.

• Male mosquitoes are vegetarians. Only females bite.

• The average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle.

• To find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripe.

• Canadians can send letters with personalized postage stamps showing their own photos on each stamp.

• Babies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old.

• It snowed in the Sahara Desert in February of 1979.

• Plants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold water.

• Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

• Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.

• Those stars and colours you see when you rub your eyes are called phosphenes.

• Our eyes (Pupils) are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

• Everyone's tongue print is different, like fingerprints.

• Contrary to popular belief, a swallowed chewing gum doesn't stay in the gut. It will pass through the system and be excreted.

• At 40 Centigrade a person loses about 14.4 calories per hour by breathing.

• There is a hotel in Sweden built entirely out of ice; it is rebuilt every year.

• Cats, camels and giraffes are the only animals in the world that walk right foot, right foot, left foot, left foot, rather than right foot, left foot .

• Onions help reduce cholesterol if eaten after a fatty meal. \

• The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.

sure it’s true..!

10 signs you love someone
TEN:

You feel shy whenever they're around.

NINE:

You smile when you hear their voice.

EIGHT:

When you look at them, you can't see
the other
people around you, you just see
him/her.

SIX:

They're all you think about.

FIVE:

You realize you're always smiling when
you're
Looking at them.

FOUR:

You would do anything for them, just
to see them.

THREE:

While reading this, there was one
person on your
mind this whole time.

TWO:

You were so busy thinking about that
person, you
didnt notice number seven was missing

ONE:

You just scrolled up to check & are
now silently
laughing at yourself.

--------------------------------
Useless web fact #432
--------------------------------
Nerd rating 9/10

The web universe increased by 3.9 million sites this month. When you

have a drink with friends this week, you can casually drop into the

conversation that there are now 172,338,726 websites in the world.
<http://news.netcraft.com/archives/2008/06/index.html>http://news.netcraft.com/archives/2008/06/index.html

A good many of which are utterly pointless. But make you smile.
http://www.exactcenteroftheinternet.com

and
http://utterlypointless.com/>http://utterlypointless.com/